The Angels

Another holiday season has come to an end.  I got a pretty good haul this year as far as gifts go.  My favorite by far is the Wii fit.  Penny got treats from Charlee and Blitzen.  I think my mom liked all her gifts too.  God, I love Christmas.  I think it's because of all the traditions.  My favorite by far is looking for the angles that my papa hides around the house.

They came from a tree ornament that broke once.  They're just two tiny angels, slightly over an inch tall.  One of them is blue and one of them is pink.  All he does is hide them in plain sight, but sometimes they are so hard to find.  It can drive one crazy if they can't find it, espeically when the rest of the family is saying, "Oh, I found them."  You're not supposed to give hints to where they are, but it happens occasionally.  Papa usually won't give hints, but my grandma will.  She won't tell you exactly where they are, but if she knows you can usually get what room they're in out of her.

She hide them for the first time in my memory this year.  That's never happened, but she picked a good spot.  I found the pink one right away, but for the life of me I didn't know where the blue one was.  All through Christmas dinner, my eyes were darting around the room looking for that stupid little thing.  Finally my grandma says, "You're not very far from it."  Turns out it was hiding in the center piece on the table.  You have to give me credit though, it was on the opposite side so I couldn't see it.

This tradition has been going as long as I can remember... before I was born even.  I think it was started when my cousin Rachel was a little girl.  I wish I knew how it started.  My grandma doesn't know, but I don't think I've ever asked my papa.  He probably doesn't remember either.  After all, does anyone know how most traditions started?  But yeah, the angels are one of my favorite parts of Christmas.

Driving

I had my first official dilervy shift today.  I've covered a couple of other people's shift before, but this one was all mine.  For those of you who don't know, I started a Jimmy John's not too long ago.  It's a pretty good job, and I'm really happy with it.  I'm getting the hours I need and the pay is good.  Not to mention everything's pretty easy when you get the hang of it.  It's a fun atmosphere too.

Anyway, I like delivering... when I can find the place.  Some apartment complexes are crazy and I end up driving around in circles.  I haven't got stiffed on any order yet so I guess I can't be too bad.  Since it's the holiday season the traffic is crazy though and we're so busy.

Driving.  I don't actually like driving a car.  I'd much rather be a passenger.  It didn't always used to be that way.  One time a friend got into a car accident.  It wasn't even that bad, but I was in the car and late for where I needed to go.  Now I always feel like if something like that happens I want someone else to be responsible for me being late.  It's not like that keeps me from driving places though.  I still go to work, friends, wherever.

One of my favorite things to do is just aimlessly drive around.  I used to do that quite a bit with Kailin and Kelsey, especially if one of us was feeling down.  We'd just drive around listening to the radio and talking.  Usually at night.  One time Kelsey got pulled over.  She got so nervous the cop thought she was drunk or something and made her do a sobriety test outside of the car.  I thought it was funny.  I really miss those days.  I also miss Midnight Madness.  It's a game that the Red River theatre guild played.  We had teams that piled into cars and drove around town looking for clues like a great big scavenger hunt.  I would get really into it.  My friend Stacie ran over poor Kailin's ankel one year though.  I'm thinking it was our sophomore year.  She was okay though.  She just was limping for a while.

I'm a Psych-O

The Psych season finally was on tonight, which I loved.  I've really gotten into that show.  I guess I needed something to replace Monk, but I stopped watching that after Sherona left.  Anyway... I've seen every episode of Psych so far, but my favorite are the ones with Yang and Yin.  It could be because of my love for Ally Sheedy though too.  She plays Yang.  Besides Shawn, she is my favorite character in the whole thing and she's only been in three episodes.

Without giving too much away, Yang is the daughter of a serial killer, Yin, and becomes obsessed with Shawn.  The two of them start to target Shawn and people get kidnapped and just when show's time limit is just about up, the people are rescued and everythings okay.  "An Evening with Mr. Yang" could very well be my favorite episode, but it's hard too say.  There are so many good ones.  I love the characters in the show.  That's what makes it.  James Roday is amazing!  Him and Dule Hill are great together.

I've been playing games on the website too and I won an iphone cover.  I don't have an iphone, but I hope to get one soon so that's cool.  And I try to enter the spot the pineapple sweepstakes every week, but sometimes it's hard to find.  Like this week for example.  I swear there were no pineapples in the grocery bags where it was supposed to be hidden.

It was an okay season, but I think the show has lost something.  It's probably just because there on they'll already be starting their sixth season.  All show's start to loose their luster after a while.  I mean, Shawn and Gus used to sneak ahead and find stuff out.  Then Shawn would have a "vision" and lead them to the clues they found.  It seems like they're trying to play down the psychic angle a little bit.  Don't get me wrong, it's not like they've jumped the shark yet or anything.  It's still my favorite television show out there at the moment.  I can't wait for season six to start up this summer.

P.S.  It feels weird to write about a television show.  I don't think I ever have before.

Life

Well since I posted a blog titled "Death" I figured I should at least make one titled "Life."  It's probably because death, as depressing as it is, has been on my mind quite a bit lately.  I've reached a point in my life where everything is coming together.  I like my job... most days.  I'm making enough money to support all my needs and even a few bucks left over for radom things like action figures and easy bake ovens.  So life's going well.

Life's funny that way.  One moment of life everything is going horribly, horribly wrong and you think there's no point to life at all and then the next moment everything is great.  Of course, getting to the great part after the bad part can take some work but eventually you get there.  I think it's important to focus on that part of life other than the all good things must come to an end part.  And when you're in a rut it's very important to focus on the fact that things will get better instead of thinking that, yeah, things will get better but then they'll only get bad again.  That will just mess you up.  Believe me.

So here's my bit of wisdom for you all.  And I'll admit it kinda sounds like something out of a Lifetime Christmas special, but here it is.  Life sucks.  That's all there is to it.  But there are little moments in life where it doesn't suck so bad where one might even be happy.  So my thoughts are that life is all about the little moments, and yes I realize so many people have said that before.  And every therapist out there will tell you to focus on the positive.  But it is so true.  Negaitivety and anger are two of the worst things out there.  I mean, they can eat you alive, especially if the one person you're truely angry at is yourself and your just directing it everywhere else.

Forgiving and forgetting is a touchy thing too.  Because you can't forget, and more importantly you shouldn't forget.  But then what exactly does forgiving mean?  I guess just to put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand.  Maybe what I'm trying to say is not to hold things against people and learn from the past and from your mistakes.

Lastly, just because you think something over, doesn't mean it really is.  Anger can be blinding.  But if it is truely over, don't dwell.  Move on as best you can and still try to live life to its fullest.  Even though there isn't one point to life that everyone can agree to, it's still precious.  I mean, love others and more importantly love youself.  And as cliche as this whole blog is, you've only got one life to live so go out there and cherish each moment of it.  After all, life is about the random little moments stuck in there between all the suck.

My Very Own Little Cone Head

Penny got spayed a few days ago.  I thought about breeding her, but really what am I going to do with a bunch of Corgi puppies?  And besides that I don't really want to deal with the mess of her being in heat and everything.  So I decided it was just better all around to get her fixed.

I felt bad after I dropped her off.  It was like I was abandoning her.  I'm sure after they drugged her up and everything though she didn't even know I was gone.  Everything went as planned and I guess Penny recovered fine and all that.  When she came home though she was so sad and out of it.  I would be too after surgery.  Anyway, the poor thing has to where one of those Elizabethan collars because she keeps licking her stitches.

She's used to the thing now, but when she first got the thing on she kept running into everything.  When the collar would hit the wall or something she'd stop moving too with her head dropped.  And she'd just stand there like then until you'd come get her.  Now she has the hang of it and is running all over the house.  I'm afraid she's going to bust something open, but I've been checking it every day to make sure she hasn't.

Sometimes she's kinda cute with the collar on.   She'll push her toys around the floor with it.  She also pushes snow out of the way with the thing, kinda like a snow plow.  Then she'll flick it up in the air.  At night it's a pain because she likes to sleep with me and night and a platic cone digging into you is not very comfortable.  I can't wait for the two weeks to be up so she can get it off.

We Wish You a Merry Tuba Christmas

Now, I was going to write about this last week, but it slipped my mind.  I haven't actually done as much writting as I'd like to have these past couple months.  I mean what you read in my blog is pretty much it.  There is a story I've been working on, but I haven't written too much for it.  I'm not sure if it's writter's block or just simply not writting.  Anyway... Saturday was Tuba Christmas.

For those of you who don't know, Tuba Christmas is a festival where a bunch of tubas get together and play Christmas songs.  This year was it's thirty-seventh year in existance and it was started by a man named Harvey Phillips.  I'm sad to say that he died recently.  He was one of my heros, even though I didn't know too much about him.  I had a couple of his CDs though and he's one of two famous tuba players that I can actually name.  The other one being Oystein Baadsvik.

So we all gathered together for a quick rehersal- donuts were served before hand during registration- and played through all the music once or twice.  Then we went to the mall and played for an audiece.  I swear, the audience keeps getting bigger each year.  So does the amount of tuba players so I guess that makes sense.  I dressed up all festive like- green and red with a matching elf hat.  Some guy put lights around is baritone, which I was going to do but then I couldn't figure out a way to get them to stay without leaving tape residue.  We all played our merry little tuba hearts out.  It was so much fun.  As you all know, I love playing the tuba.  To be truthful I miss it... a lot.  I can't wait to start playing again next semester.  I guess we're doing a stage show, so that will be great.  I'm excited.

Puppy's First Christmas 2010

I'm sitting here writting my blog with a ridiculous looking, green and red, elf hat that has a bell on the end.  That can only mean one thing.  Christmas is here!  Now, I'll tell you time and time again that my favorite holiday is either April Fool's Day (For me it's a holiday) and Halloween.  But I absolutely love Christmas!  I love all the traditions- decorating the tree while listening to Christmas music, making cookies at papas, finding the angels...

Tonight my mom and I decorated the tree and I got most of my mom's presents wrapped.  There's still one more gift I want to get for under the tree, but I still have plenty of time.  Poor Penny is a little confused.  She was sniffing at the wrapped presents completely unsure of what they are.  There's no way they're going under the tree this year.  They'll just get ripped open and torn into peices.  I guess one year my grandma wrapped some dog treats up and put them under the tree.  When they came home the dog had wripped open everything looking for the treats.  Penny's also eating tinsel.  I'm not sure if she managed to swallow any of it, but I really hope she doesn't get sick or anything.

Penny seems to like winter well enough.  She's so cute in the snow- sniffing it and pushing it around with her nose.  Then she bounces in and out of the snow drifts as her short little legs sink into the snow pile.  I think I'll get her feet some little booties so she can play out in the snow longer.  She seems like she's having so much fun.  I think it would be fun to get all three of them out in the snow together.  I wonder how my Papa would feel about the three of them tearing through his back yard.  It's not like there's a lawn to mess up at this point.

I'm really looking foreward to this holiday season.  I mean, I practically have all my shopping done and now I just have to enjoy all the traditions and the family get togethers.  I'm hoping Penny does fine with the rest of it.  She and Charlee are having fun tearing apart an empty wrapping paper tube at the moment.  As long as it keeps her from opening tinsel.  And as long as she doesn't get into the presents or anything everything should be fine.  Maybe I should go get her picture taken with Santa.

Some Books I Wish I Owned

Here's a list of books I want to own at some point in my life.  The title for this blog was originally "101 Books I Wished I Owned," but I couldn't come up with enough of them.  I suppose if I were to walk through a book store of library I could come up with pletenty though.  I dream of having a room dedicated soely to books sometime in the future, maybe even a couple I've written.  Anyway, some of these books I've owned at one time but lost.  Others have been eaten by dogs, but most I've never owned.  Some I haven't even read.


1. One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest
2. Tom Saywer
3. Huck Fynn
4. The Complete Works of Emily Dikenson
5. Boy Meets Boy
6. Marley and Me
7. Mocking Jay
8. The Uncanny X-men #266
9. Blueberries for Sal
10. Peter Pan
11. Wizard of Oz
12. Patchwork Girl of Oz
13. Idiot: Beating the Curse and Enjoying the Game of Life
14. Letter from Beatrice
15. Mein Kampf
16. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
17. The Outsiders
18. Where the Red Fern Grows
19. Q & A
20. Gone with the Wind
21. Wurthering Heights
22. Eats, Shoots, and Leaves
23. Assholes Finish First
24. The Hounds of Baskerville
25. The Count of Monte Cristo
26. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish
27. Falling Up
28. A Light in the Attick
29. The Picture of Dorian Gray
30. Les Miserables
31. Gandhi An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with Truth
32. The Lovely Bones
33. My Sister's Keeper
34. Let it Snow: Three Holiday Romances
35. Geektastic: Stories from the Nerd Herd
36. A Christmas Carol
37. Diary of Anne Frank

Words

I want to write about my blog title for a bit- words.  I believe in the power words, and I think they're more powerful than some realize.  I mean, words can do so much more than simply communicate.  They can hurt, move, pursuad, confuse, inform, inspire, and comfort.  They can create an angry mob.  They can rip deeply into a person's heart if said with anger.  A poet who finds the right words can bring a reader to tears.  I can't possibly count the ammount of times I've cried at a sad moment in a good book.  Sometimes we can't seem to find the right words.  Like when one has to explain to their boss why they were late for three days in a row or even telling the guy who sits next to you in Spainish class that you'd like to go to a movie or something later.

I often think about the marvel of language and how lost the human species would be without it.  It's so easy to share our thoughts and feelings because of language.  How else would we do it though?  There was a time before language existed, and I can't even imagine.  I mean, I think in words.  My brain thinks out complete setences like, Today I need to go to the store, or Why the heck did I do that?  That was stupid.  What do people who've never known language think in?  Pictures?  I'd assume but I guess there's no real way to know for sure.

I did a project for art class one time.  It was a bunch of words written on a piece of paper.  Most of them were random words that popped in my head.  And then on top them with black paint I wrote the words, "JUST WORDS."  I was trying to say that words don't matter out of context.  That a radom word on a piece of paper, taken out of a sentence, is just a bunch of random symbols from the alphabet put together to form syllables.  But I don't believe in that anymore.  A single word can inspire so much.  What comes to mind when you see the word "rose"?  Do you just hear the sounds the letters make?  More than likely not.  I for one picture a rose in my head and then my brain goes to valentine's day and romance.  It's all about the connotation.

I love words.  I love putting them together to tell stories, to poetically describe a sunset or wilting flowers.  To quote George Carlin, "They're my work. They're my play.  They're my passion."  And maybe they're not my work, not yet at least.  But they definitely are my play and my passion.  I keep myself entertained with word- talking with others, laughing at actors in a movie creatively spewing out words, creating.  I keep myself sane with words- journal out the thoughts in my head that keep bumping into each other and clouding my thoughts.  And I think they are my passion, as close I've got to true passion anyway.

The Wonders of Technology Bringing a Family Together

I have what most would consider an untraditional family.  As you probably already know, it was just my mom and I living together throughout most of my childhood.  My dad's lives in New York with his wife, Kathy, and my two younger brothers, Eric and Jon.  I also have a brother named Steaven and a sister named Sarah.  I've never met Sarah, but I'd like to some day.  This year for Christmas I'm making all my siblings something so I'd definitely like to get in touch with her to include her in that.  All of my siblings are my dad's kids so I get to be both an only child and the second oldest of five at the same time.


I don't know too much about my dad's side of the family.  I don't think I've ever even met most of them, at least not in recent memory like after I was two or something.  I'm pretty sure I've met both my dad's parents, and one of his grandparents.  I have one aunt and three uncles on his side, but I've never met any of them to my knowledge.  I could have been around them when I was a baby or something.


Anyway, I love technology.  With the use of facebook, video chat, and cell phones I am getting to know my siblings a lot better.  Turns out we're a whole family of geeks.  They're more of the computer, video game nerdy type though.  I'm more of a comic book band geek sorta person.  But yeah... I love technology.  I'm able to chat with my brothers who live half way across the country.  I got to see my sister-in-law and nephew over a video chat the other day too.  Steaven Jr.'s getting pretty big.  He's so cute and chubby!  I love babies.  It's so nice to catch up with people that I feel so disconnected from.  I hope to get together and see all of them soon.

As Good as it Gets

Okay, so I'm going to be completly honest and open with all you readers for this post.  I just got out of the psychiatric unit of Altru.  Long story shot, some depression and anxiety built up until I exploded.  I don't want to go into too many details because as you can imagine it's sort of personal.  I'm better now though... for now, but I think I just needed a break to sort things out.  I'm making some new decissions about my life- like getting a new apartment.  I want to get away from everything and start over- maybe go to school for that English major I keep talking about.


As with any hospital stay, I have some complaints about the ridiculousness of Altru.  For starters, it's hard to get things like you need.  Take my insulin for example.  On three different occasions it took over an hour to get insulin after I ate.  It's almost impossible to get anything like that at nine o'clock because that's when the kids in the other ward have to go to bed and they scream all the time- I WANT MY BLANKIE!  I WANT MY MOMMY!  I WANT TO GO HOME!  I DON'T WANT TO GO TO BED... There was one particular boy in particular that threw a fit everyday.  We could hear doors slamming and the wall was shaking as he beat against it.  Then all the nurses were trained in differently so one nurse would tell you something was okay, and then the next nurse would tell you that you can't do that.  So you were always confused at what was going on.


I also think some of their rules were a little effed up.  For example, I wasn't allowed to have a spiral notebook, but real knives at meals were okay.  Then we were told we had to go to group, but no one enforced it.  So a lot of the majorly depressed people just layed in bed all day.  That's not good for someone in that kind of condition.  They should be up and doing things, at least going to the therapy groups.  I also hate how the Psyciatrists solution to everything is get the patients some more drugs.  For the most part it helped a lot.  It was so nice to talk to other people who understand- not the therapists but the patients.  They don't question why I feel the way I do, because a lot of them have been there.


There were two things that I know I will always remember from this experience.  The first one was an assertiveness video we watched.  The acting was just horrible.  My favorite part was this guy who was supposed to be acting agressively.  A co-worker asked him if he wanted to go to a bar just after he got out of treatment.  His reaction was hilarious.  He threw down a folder on the desk and, as mono-tone and stone faced as ever, said, "What's your damn problem?"  It struck me as funny, and I couldn't stop giggling about it for a while.


Now, the best part of my stay were the movies that happened to be on FX while I was there.  They were As Good as it Gets, Me, Myself, and Irene, and Anger Management.  So here we all in a mental institution watching crazy people movies.  There's so much irony in that.  It's hilarious.  Another one of the patients there got as big of a kick out of it as I did.  Not only that but a commercial kept playing for Forgetting Sarah Marshal and the commercial just had the guy singing, "Go see a psyciatrist.  I hate the psyciatrist.  Well go see one anyway.  I don't like the psyciatrist.  You need to go see one.  See a psyciatrist.  I'm not going."  So funny, but really As Good as it Gets kinda got to me.  There's a part where he's in a doctors office and he says to all the patients in the waiting room, "What if this is as good as it gets?"  Good point.  I don't think life gets any better, and I really don't think that matters.  It just is what it is.

The World's Greatest Invention is the Grandparent

Grandparent's are amazing aren't they?  Well, mine are at least.  I mean, they've babysat me when I was little a whole ton and I was kind of a brat.  They've given me so much over the years- food, a ton of awesome Christmas presents, gas, money just for the heck of it, musical tickets, printer paper, scotch tape, scrap fabric... And then so much more than that, like all the cheesy stuff you can't hold and touch like love and junk.  And I can't even count the amount of times I've gone over there saying, "Grandma, can you feed me?"  Of course they always do.


The other day my car ran out of gas just in time to be late for work.  I called my papa from a near by school and asked if he could bring me some gas.  I thought he was going to be really crabby about it because he's German and can just get that way sometimes.  But he just goes, "Well you can't drive a car without gas, Ashley."  It made me laugh.  I waited in my car until he came to the rescue with his gas can.  After we got some gas in it so I could get to work.  He asked me if I had money.  I never have money, so he gave me twenty bucks, which I put in my tank after I was done with work.


I love them.  They give so much of their time to help me with the little things.  Like let's say I need a pair of pants fixed up for work and I need them in ten minutes.  My grandma will take them down to her basement and sew patches on some jeans so I look like a hippie for sixties day.  If I'm stranded somewhere and need a ride and no one else is available, my papa will come get me.  I'm writing this to let you know how much I appreciate you and all that you've done.  I am so grateful and I love you both so much.  Thanks for always being there when I need you.

Halloween is Drawing Near

I'm getting so excited for Halloween!  You have no idea.  There's just something about not being yourself for a little while that's so awesome.  I mean, I'll get to go over to my mom's house and watch horror movies all the time on television now that it's October.  This year I'm not too sure what I'm doing for Halloween.  We might throw a party at the apartment.  Not too sure if I'm going to go to Rocky Horror or not this year.  We'll have to see.


I have a bunch of great Halloween memories.  Rocky Horror with Michael is among the favorites.  But then of course there's one of me answering the door at my grandparents house when I was seven because I wanted to give candy to the trick or treaters.  Unfortunately when I opened the door and saw some kids in their costume I cried and ran to my mom.  I'm not too sure what I was expecting.  I remember trick or treating until pretty late in the night.  Now everyone's inside by sunset or else at the Alerus.  That's lame.  One year Jade, Wyatt, and I all went as people from Star Wars.  My favorite costume so far has got to be last years- Poison Ivy from Batman.  But I also like the witch hooker thing I did with Kelsey.  Alex was our "dead pimp."


Kailin went out and bought a whole bunch of Halloween makeup and we took turns making each other look completely dead.  I'm look like a zombie who seriously got her ass kicked in battle.  I wrote a horror script not too long ago about a bunch of kids who go on a trip and eventually end up getting killed by a dead guy who had his eyes gorged out.  That's what I was going for with Kailin's look.

          

Aren't we just gorgeous?  It was a lot of fun though.  A great bonding experience for the two of us.  We talked, tried not to laugh, and twitched as cue tips tickled our cheeks.  I love Halloween so much.  It has to be my favorite holiday besides April Fool's day.  Now, you could argue that there's no holiday on April 1st, but I disagree.  Anyway, I can't wait for October 31!!!

My Babysitting Adventure

I got to babysit Melody today.  She's the one that I wrote about being born in August.  Oh my gosh is she adorable, even when she won't stop crying.  It was only for a little while so her mom could go to an dentist appointment.  Apparently I'm Melody's first babysitter outside of the family.  I feel honored.  In fact, I was actually pretty excited to get to be someone's first babysitter.

Once her mom left, I took her out of her seat and let her kick lying on her blanket on the floor.  It was the blanket I made for her.  Now, I don't know too much about babies and their development, but I think she can kick pretty darn well for only being two months old.

Poor Penny.  She wasn't sure what to think.  I mean, she'd never seen a baby before.  At first she started growling and barking a bit, but then I let her sniff Melody a little bit.  I was very careful to make sure Penny didn't hurt her, and Melody didn't seem to mind... until Penny gave her a kiss on the cheek.  That's when she stopped crying and wouldn't stop.

So I picked Melody up off the floor and started lightly bouncing as I walked around the room.  She pretty much screamed the whole time with little breaks in between.  She was sucking on her hand, and it seemed like she was hungry.  But I could not get her to take her bottle.  I found out that she likes it better when you hold her upright instead of laying down in the crook of your arm.  Finally her mom came home, and she got her to eat.

Even though she cried the whole time, I can't wait to do it again.  I mean, babies cry all the time.  Penny's a cure for my baby fever, but being around Meldoy made it slightly flair up again.  I guess I just have to keep reminding myself that now is just not the right time for me.  I'm not capable of handling a baby on my own right now, but definitly some day.

Small Dog Owners

So I hate small dog owners.  And yes, having a Welsh Corgi that will only grow to about twenty-five pounds puts me in that category, but I realize that big dogs can be cute, loving, and friendly too.  I took Penny and Blitzen to the dog park the other day.  It was Penny's first time there.  I've been waiting for her rabies shot to kick in so I could finally take her.  The two of them had a lot of fun, until this idiot of a dog owner with two little grown dogs about the size of Penny came in.


He saw Blitzen and the first thing he did was pick up his dogs.  Now at the dog park, Blitzen likes to-imagine this- play with the other dogs.  He went over to say hi to this man's dogs and when he picked them up, Blitzen got really close to the man and started sniffing his dogs.  That how dogs say hello, right?  But then the man started spinning and turning so that Blitzen couldn't get to his dogs.  What does Blitzen do?  He jumps.  Now, he doesn't jump on the man but he just jumps in the air next to the man.  And Blitzen is a pretty big German Shepherd.  I apologize and explain that he just wants to play with his dogs.  The man says, "Well this one just got bit by a shepherd not too long ago so she's a bit nervous."  I looked at the dog he was referring to.  She didn't look nervous.  Little dogs shake when they're nervous.  Their tail goes between there legs.  They hide behind their owners.  This dogs ears were up, eye wide.  Its tongue was hanging out of its mouth, which was giving one of those dog smiles.  Its tail was up and wagging and if it could talk it would have said, "Put me down.  I'm ready to play."  Obviously the dog wasn't nervous, the owner was.


So Blitzen finally leaves this man and his dogs alone... for a while anyway.  Eventually the man puts the dogs down and Blitzen runs right over to play.  The dogs are just doing what dogs do.  They're smelling each other and getting to know one another.  No hackles are up.  No teeth are showing.  There's no growling.  And there's no sign of any one getting bit.  The man says, "Oh well he should be on a leash." I just rolled my eyes.  Penny and Blitzen had been there for a while so I decided it would just be best if we just left.  But it was taking me a while to catch Blitzen and in the mean time the man goes, "Well I think we're going to leave."  And then they left.  I took Blitzen and Penny home anyway.


Now I realize Blitzen is a big dog and can seem intimidating, but really he's just overly friendly.  The only time I've ever really seen him flip out is when there is a cat sitting in his front yard and he sees them through the window or when Charlee nips at him from the safe location of under a chair.  At the dog park, Blitzen runs around with the other dogs and if one of them gets aggressive he usually backs off.  There have been a few times where he gets into a fights, but he's a dog and once you call him off he forgets about it and starts playing with someone else.  My grandma says they're thinking about getting another dog park just for small dogs, which I think is a terrific idea.  But until then, if you're afraid of big dogs don't bring your dogs to the park.  It's a public dog park.  More than likely there will be big dogs there.

To Tuba or not to Tuba

Football season is here, and with that comes marching band.  I'll be completely honest with you.  This year I've been thinking about quitting the band.  This is the first year I haven't been giving one hundred percent to the band.  I barely have any of my music memorized... if any at all.  I also barely know my sets, and I hate that.  There seems to be too much going on this year.  I don't know what that means though because I'm not doing anything.  I have work and I have marching band.  I would have no life without the band.  I mean, I would.  It's just my entire life would consist of Jimmy John's, which by the way I got a job at for those of you that don't know.  It's going well.


Saturday was my first game since I mist the Potato bowl last week.  And it reminded me why I love marching band.  I love the feeling after a pregame or half time show.  Of course, since I don't know my music for half time, I just got that feeling after pregame.  It's the feeling of being completely out of breath from marching around while playing a tuba, but at the same time feeling accomplished at a job well done.  I also love the feeling of jamming out in the stands even if it is to just "Short #3" or something.  I love the feeling when the drum majors call out one of my favorite songs to play like "Pretty Fly" or "Tear the Roof of the Sucker."  If you watch me closely in the stands, you can see my body sway to the music along with my right arm as I push down the valves.


I am a band geek through and through.  Fall doesn't mean football season for me.  It means marching band.  I find it so much fun, but this year just isn't going right.  I just don't seem to care as much.  And I hate myself for not caring.  I hate myself for not knowing the music.  I hate myself for not going to practice and putting forth the effort.  I was so sure I was going to quit, but then Saturday was so much fun, even though I didn't do nearly as well as I could have with the shows.  Maybe if I talk to the director I can just do pregame or play in the stands, but I'm not sure if that will fly.  The worst part is that if I don't do marching band, I can't do hockey band either.  And I love that.  For the record though, I like marching on the field better and I can't stand hockey.  Women's hockey is an available option for me with the marching band though.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  Practice is tomorrow and I'm going to talk to my director.  I need to decide soon though.  This weekend the band is going to go to South Dakota for the game.

Letter to Myself

Dear 12 Year Old Ashley,


I'd like to start off by writing that I have never really done this before, which is surprising.  You'd think I would have written a letter to myself a long time ago.  Alright so here it goes.


You're awkward right now, and I can totally sympathize with that because middle school sucks.  But one thing that will really help is to stop trying to be someone you're not.  You are a geek.  We both know that, and the sooner you embrace that, the sooner you will be free.  Stop trying to talk to the "cool kids" about brand names and what have you because let's face it, you have no idea what you're talking about.  You are a tuba playing, comic book loving, fiction writing, book reading, musical singing geek.  Speaking of tuba playing, have you switched to the tuba yet?  If so, drop the flute now and make the switch.  The tuba is so much more cool, and you'll have so much more fun.


Also, I know you'll be shy and not want to sing in your musical, but don't give up your frog solo.  Seriously, you're not that terrible of a singer.  It's not like you're going to make someone's ears bleed or anything.  Just do your best and have fun.  And you could always consider doing tech for your middle school shows.  You'll end up doing the video for shows in your high school anyway, which is a lot of fun even though can be stressful if you care too much.  Another thing you can do is be in SPA more.  It's a great way to make friends and by the end you'll wish you'd done more than two years.


Don't date your friends.  It causes way too much drama, especially if he's your best friend.  In high school a lot of things will happen to you that will seem like the end of the world, but I promise as you mature this need for everything to be dramatic dies... slightly.  Speaking of making everything dramatic, don't worry about bullies and bitchy girls.  They're pointless and pathetic.  Your life will be so much better once you get over them.


I don't know if you've gone through your running stage yet, but try to keep that up.  You'll probably just get bored with it though and it will seem like too much work.  But it really is a great way to get in shape and relieve stress.  Also, focus a bit more on your school work... because otherwise you'll never get into the habit of doing homework and then drop out of college.  Write a lot more too.  Get into the habit of carrying a journal around with you.  When you get the idea to write the play Babbling Nonsense, it will be they dumbest thing you'll ever write.  Write it anyway because you'll laugh a lot about it later.


Treasure your friends.  By the way, in a few years Kailin- you know Chelsea's friend- and you will be really close friends.  I'd get to know her now though because she's amazing.  Also, some girls will do this weird thing where they will all wear the same color each day.  Don't try to do it with them.  I hate to break it to you, but you're really not one of them.


Some last minute things to avoid embarrassment include ALWAYS check your shoes for toilet paper before leaving the bathroom.  If you feel like you need to pee, go to the bathroom right away instead of standing in the hallway trying to open your locker even though you've forgotten the combination.  A really good line to use during your most embarrassing moment would be, "Oh yeah thanks guys, I really needed a tampon."  But it really doesn't matter what you say because they'll laugh anyway.  Also, relax around the guy you like.  And finish the dancing the jitter bug with him at the sunrise dance instead of chasing after Vicky.  Just remember that high school is so much better than middle school and you have so much fun with your life once you stop trying to be someone you're not.  You're a geek so just accept it.


Sincerely,
Your 20 Year Old Self

Wilted

Forgotten flowers stand

wilted in the windowsill.

Alone.

Except for the gnats

endlessly circling around

Drooping brown pedals.

Yellowing stems sit

In algae infested water.

As sunlight glares off the crystal

glass vase.

Life snipped from

its roots only to

Decay before its time.

Brilliant pedals

crumbled to dust

Only a carcass of what

could have been.

Death

Blunt title I suppose.  Anway... I took a Humanities class a year or so ago, and we were asked to decide if the class was about death or if it was about life.  Now, this was when I started heading downhill and didn't really go to class all that much, so I missed a whole lot about what the class was actually about.  But from what I managed to absorb, I decided life.  I mean for the most part we talked about the different kinds of arts and the things humans do to make life more interesting.  In a way, humanities is about death too.  Artists do what they do because they love doing, but it is a way for us to remember them after they're gone as well.  But mostly it is about life and what to do with it.


I recently read an amazing book by John Green titled Looking for Alaska.  It made me laugh at the funny parts, and it also made me blink back tears.  You could argue that this book was about the whole death/life concept, but once again I chose life.  I think it was more about how the life still goes on for the living when a loved one dies.  It's hard, but life still goes on.  Grieving is good.  Finding and having closure is important too.  Without giving too much away, this book made me think... a lot.  I thought about religion more than I have in a long time, particularly Buddhism.  I wondered about if people's essence goes somewhere when it dies, or if we just rot in the ground.  I asked my science teacher once if energy can't be created or destroyed, what happens when people die?  He said that our bodies become food for maggots and whatever and so we turn into chemical energy.  This book also explained that concept, but added to it.  If energy can't be destroyed, neither can we.  Our body will just take different forms and different shapes, but our energy will live on.


It hurts when we loose someone close to us.  There is a hole in hearts that will never be filled by anything else again.  Over time we may adjust to living our lives with that hole, but it will always be there.  That person will never be in our lives again.  But I think it's important, after the grieving and finding closure, to keep living.  Never forget that special person, but keep living life to the fullest.  Get all you can out of anything and everything.  Don't be afraid to be laughed at or get hurt, because then you will get nothing out of life.  Love those around you, especially.  Your friends are important.  Good friends will be there for you to lean on.  Try not to live in the past, but in the present.  Focus on who is here on this earth to and cherish now because you may not get the chance later.

Vlogging vs. Blogging

I started a vlog on youtube the other day.  There isn't much on it.  Just a response video I made.  It had Penny listening to a song with a lot of weird noises.  If you want to ever go watch the blog, feel free.  My user name is totallyTUBAular.  Here's the link to my channel.  CLICK ME 


Now, blogging I get.  I don't feel stupid when I write or read when I write.  And I totally understand that I write not only for others to read, but also for myself and for therapy reasons.  The whole video journal thing is different.  I suppose you could consider it a therapy, but in a different way then writing.  Also, it's a lot of fun, especially when it comes to the overall youtube community.  I like watching other people's videos and commenting on them, especially my friends.  I might get the same experience out of blogging here on blogger though if I knew more people who had an account.


So feel free to go watch me make a fool of myself.  My videos will mostly be my life being told through videos instead of the written word.  One thing for sure though, I am not going to ignore my WORDS blog. I don't think I could ever replace writing with something else, not even bubble baths.

School Fever

Everyone's going to school, and it's starting to get me a little down.  I want to go to college.  I want to write a paper.  I want homework.  I'm not even joking.  It's pathetic.  Maybe it comes down to the theme that's been revolving around my life for a while:  I want a purpose.  I want something more out of life than going to work, coming home, and then going to bed.


I will go back eventually and get my dumb English major that I don't know what I'll do with yet.  But for now I just have to sit back and listen to friends talk about how much homework they have and their finals coming up... then I can laugh at them.  It's weird, but I kinda miss the adrenaline rush that comes from putting off a paper until the last minute.  I once started a seven page reserch paper at seven am the morning it was due.  I did the reserch and everything then too.  I'm such a procrastinator.


Okay, so I don't necessarily miss the boring reading assignments, and I know I definitely don't miss getting up early.  But I do miss writing papers.  I love the accomplished feeling that comes with getting an A or even a B on something.  I miss school supplies.  Every year I go out and buy fun new folders and notebooks, really fancy mechanical pencils, brightly colored pens to take notes, and a backpack if it's needed.  I love pretending to feel organized with all this crap.  I don't know, once I go back I'll probably wonder, why on earth did I miss this again?  But for right now it's just hard to watch all my friends skip off to class and not be a part of it.

Another Quote from the Brilliant Mind of Einstein

So one of the asignments for my creative class a long time ago was to post a blog of our favorite quote.  I chose Einstein's "Imagination is more important than knowlege."  As I said in that post, I completely agree.  Someone can have all the knowlege in the entire world, but how can they put that to good use without propper imagination?  Anyway this blog is not about that quote.  It is about a different one.


"If a cluttered desk signs a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?" ~Albert Einstein~


I was reading a magazine article about how to cope with everyday messes and how it's really just a part of life.  Then they started talking about creativity and imagination.  That's when they quoted Einstein.  It made me smile.  Too true, I think.  Yes, messes can be hectic and cause a lot of unoraginzion, but at the same time who has time to keep everything so perfect?  There's such a thing as too clean I believe.  Too quote one of the Harry Potter books, it seems unnatural.  Like there's not one person even exsisting in such a clean, organized atmosphere.


I believe a little clutter keeps me on the creative side.  A pile of junk on the floor can inspire a painting or photograph that needs to be taken.  I'm sure inventers get ideas from two random objects next to each other.  And who wants to spend every living moment of their life cleaning and organizing?  I like things neat... once again not too neat... and I like things orderly.  The process of cleaning things can be relaxing for me too, but by keeping everything perfect, there's no way I can have time to actually enjoy life.  A little mess inspires creativity.  Can order and creativity go together?  I'm sure they can, but I haven't discovered it yet.  I mean, after all you have to be organized to write a novel.  You have to be able to find time to paint a masterpiece, and there are certain rules involved with any form of creativity.


I guess, like most things, it's good to find a balance.  A little mess never hurt anyone, but not being able to find your keys underneath a huge pile of laundry might not be a good thing.  Also, not being able to see your floor isn't such a good thing either.  A pair of shoes on the floor isn't going to hurt anything though... unless of course your dog eats them.  Just remember, a cluttered desk may represent a cluttered mind, but an empty desk may represent an empty mind.

We Kick Some Serious Brass!!!

So band camp's over.  It was fun, and we got so much accomplished.  I'm very proud of the incoming freshmen.  It looks like it will be a fantastic year all around.  I mean, we can play the music.  We are getting the drill down.  And we can even march and play at the same time.  I'm excited to finally have a day off though.  I am sore and exhausted.  I gotta say, marching band is tough work, especially when we go for twelve hours out of the day for a week.  The hard part's over now though.


Yesterday was a blast!  We had our barbeque along with the anual Pride games.  The Pride games are just some fun silly games we do at the end of our band camp week.  This year we did the human knot, a relay, a pie eating contest, and a water balloon toss.  I participated in the human knot and water balloon toss.  The teams were our sections, and guess who won?  The low brass, baby!!!  We pretty much dominated on every event.  I didn't do so well on the water balloon toss though.  I must have caught the balloon too hard because it poped and I got soaked.


The pie eating contest was a mess.  People who weren't part of the contest  were whipping pies and pudding around like crazy.  It got everywhere.  It wasn't as crazy as last year though.  Last year a lot of pudding got all over our director's car.  We all helped wash it off though.  Anyway, low brass one that contest too.  After it was over people were running around trying to cover each other in pudding.  Then we had to clean up before the water balloon contenst.  After that was over we took the left over water balloons and ranr around throwing them everywhere.  I tried to throw one at Kelsey, but missed.  Ritter got her back for me.  After the balloons were gone, people started shaking up pop cans and spraying those everywhere.  I stayed out of the way.  Pop is too sticky, but Robb and Matt dumped an entire can on their own head.  It was pretty funny to watch.


Even though this past week has been so much fun, I'm excited to take a break.  Today I plan to catch up on my laundry, memorize some of my music, and take Penny for a walk.  All this week I've been too exhausted to walk her.  I bet she'll really be excited for her walk tonight.

BAND CAMP!!!

Band camp has finally arrived, but now that is has I'm exhausted.  I've been waiting all summer for the marching band season to start.  Call me a geek if you want, but it gives me something to do besides working, eating, and sleeping.  It's something to look foreward to, and there's lots of new poeple to meet.



I think this is going to be a great year.  Robb is doing a great job at leading the section and explaining the things we're supposed to be learning.  I haven't really had much of a chance to hear the freshmen play, but I hope they're good.  We have a really hard piece to tackle for our first show.  I hope we have the dedication it will take to pull it off.



I love the people of the marching band.  I miss a bunch of the senoirs from last year that are now gone, but it's like that summer break wasn't even there.  We're all talking and joking as much as ever.  The "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes are flying around left and right.  The low brass section is big on those.



It's only the first half of the second day and I'm already exhausted.  My feet hurt from marching.  My arms hurt from holding up an imaginary instrument for marching fundamentals, and my shoulder hurts from the weight of my sousaphone.  I can't wait until my usual knot forms and it doesn't hurt anymore.  I'll look like I have a hump, but there won't be anymore pain.  I swear, I've never been this sore for band camp in my entire life.



So most of the usual marching gang is back together with a few new faces.  I can't wait for the first home football game so we can show off our skills while cheering on the team.  I can't wait to play Fight on Sioux while we wait for the kick off.  I can't wait to play the school song the first time we score.  And I especially can't wait to do the dance to the cowbell cadence.  I hope it'll be a great year.

Bonk!!!

Nice picture, huh?  Yeah, we had our seventies day the other day at work.  You'd never guess that shortly before this picture was taken something horribly hilarious had happened.  The day started out pretty normal.  We were all dressed in our seventies outfits, ready for work.  The prep work got done, people came in to eat, and we served them.  After the big sixties birthday celebration though the seventies seemed a bit lame.  I am excited for the eighties though.

Anyway, this horrible yet slightly funny event happened when we ran out of rootbeer.  I don't know if anyone has tried to lift a keg before, but they can be kind of heavy.  My friend Alex can do it by himself... he's a beast.  Too bad he wasn't working that day.  So Kelsey I went to lift it into the fridge, and instead of that happened the carbonation tank fell and hit Kelsey on the head.  Those things are incredibly heavy.  I ran and got her the step ladder to sit down on and then fetched her some ice.  A big bump was starting to form and everything.

No one could figure out how to get the keg in the fridge.  I've done it a bunch of times too.  I wonder what the problem was.  Anyway, so my mom went out and found some stronger costumers and offered them free pop to help us lift it in there.  They got it no problem and all was well... except for Kelsey.

She had a headache and was feeling really dizzy.  I was really worried about her.  I made sure she didn't drive that day and took her to her mom's house to spend the night.  I think she might have had a concussion.  She's fine this morning though.  And I know this makes me a horrible best friend and everything, but now that I know she's okay I think it's kind of funny.  I'm sure it hot a lot.  I mean, those things are heavy, but how often does someone get bonked on the head with a CO2 tank?